First Week Clean in years and terrified

Hi Everyone,
I just completed my first week completely off of adderall in years. I've abused the drug for about 11 years now, with a break of 3 years of sobriety in-between. About 9 months ago after a relationship fell apart I totally went off the deep end with my use, eating the cotton from benzedrex inhalers and buying dexadrine when my scripts ran out to get high. My hair fell out, and I developed a dependency on the dexadrine and the benzedrex, too. I've been off of the benzedrexand dexadrine for two months and my hair has come back a bit, but the adderall withdrawal has been really hard. It's only been a week I've been clean, and I hope the suicidal thoughts, fatigue, and depression go away soon. I went to an NA meeting but I disagree with their views on addiction. I have a specific problem with a specific drug-- I don't need to abstain from alcohol for the rest of my life, which has never been a problem. I also believe that the neurons in my brain have been rewired by all of this abuse. I do not have a disease, but a mental illness, really. I do agree that it's incurable in that the only way to succeed is to abstain and seek out support. Anyone out there want to share? Work is terrifying. The subway ride in the morning leaves me suicidal. I am okay at night after the day is done. I would love to reach out and connect with people here. I am afraid and I want my life back. I want to know my niece. I want to know my family members again. I want to be able to fall in love again. Help? Any one with advice for fatigue? Any one else need someone to share with? I need help. I can't function at work. Most people decide to get clean when their careers fall apart. My career is going very well and I am very well known in my field. I need the anonymity here. I wish I could go to rehab but my career would be ruined. So lost.